Sunday, April 27, 2003

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Okay, here is some news! Ooglay is suddenly coming to Hollywood America to visit celebreties and do some "development." Is long story but no time for diary today. Need to think up ideas for titles for sitcom and movies. Be back tomorrow!!!

Saturday, April 19, 2003

Okay Ooglay just finished diary updating and sending to be posting. Now someone new shows up in underpalace escape tunnel. Who is this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf? He is saying he is "Information Minister" but we never see him before. I am thinking he is big liar.
-- Ooglay Hussein

Special Note: UPDATE AGAIN: The Ooglay has landed. He received a fisted pounding and is now writing again. Scroll down for results.

Ooglay Hussein reports he is taking off for Easter in a show of solidarity with his "Christian brothers." It is assumed he was speaking of a universal brotherhood, and not actual yet very distant sons of Saddam. It is additionally assumed he is lying about the solidarity thing. In fact, alert readers wil note that almost everything Ooglay says is a lie. He's just angling for a lazy couple of days off.
Ooglay will be reporting from "Teheran" again on Monday, regarding his Glorious Father's upcoming video releases and victories.
Ooglay has no comment on Passover.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

OOGLAY'S RUN: THE BREAKING NEWS FROM TEHERAN (I swear by my mothers purity!)

(2230 UTC 23 APR) Hello be unto you, swine. Here again is Ooglay, once and future prince of Iraq. Smell of Spring is in air here in Teheran, smelling now the turds of a thousand camels as the warmth of spring sperads through the market stalls. Ahhhh, fresh goat's head! Ahhhhhh, the entrails of a sheep! No where is to be compared to Teheran in April! I am remembering now when spring came to Baghdad and I was a young boy! And who is not being able to relate to this: my father is on riding mower, cutting the lawn of the palace. Oh how I wished he would give me a turn! The shining of the sun, the blowing of cool breeze, the smiling of my father as he missed not a single spot! His glorious attention to detail is what brought him fame and the good will of Allah! Oh how I remember the singing of the birds, drowned out by the roar of the big tractor lawnmower and the screaming of the Shi'ites buried up to their necks...
And speaking of Shi'ites, what a good time we are having in Shi'ite country Iran. I said we were going to make movie, but not yet. Today we get so down we went to the market place for the stonings to cheer us up. This is good thing. Only criminals are stoned here. Here is murderer, here is rapist, here is his victim. Sunni do the same thing but something about shi'ite make them best of all the stoners. I think so. But Uday says no one stones like the Sauds! Then my glorious father has idea striking him fully in the face. He has (I am thinking I said this but okay here again) become a Shi'ite. And earlier to day we see Arab TV News of Shi'ites marching in "Death to America" parades. And maybe you saw them self flatulating themselves, yes? And blood covered in their frenzies? So Glorious Father is thinking and saying "Okay! Look at these crazy Shi'ites who I am one with and hating America! They are fanatic loyalists so it is good we have joined them. When is time for elections in Iraq then Saddam will be on ballot, and maybe this time he really can get 100% of the vote!
So yes, that is plan! When time is coming for elections then is time for people of Iraq to elect their Glorious Leader who fled only so to protect them from more illegal shokanaw war. Electric on, oil flowing, bombings stop, and hey! Saddam is right back in charge. Thank you USA!
And when Shi'ites get too uppity, maybe you see one with long white beard and say hay! Ayatollah! Come here! And then I will tell you you must have the special chipper/shredder in the Palace where you found my money, okay? And feet first gets Shi'ites attention and keeps them in line for a while. Also Uday has this to say: If you found the children's prison: You know what liars those children are! And if you not find it: Hey, there is no Childrens Prison here!
Got to go. Time to begin cooking Sheep Entrails.

(22:30 UTC 22 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Big changes are coming. Things just not the same. Other day in store Qusay 3 is angry at man selling hookahs for too much! So he says "Don't you know me?" and pulls gun and shop man says "No!" and pulls gun and then we run and he is shoting and wings a human shield still with us in Iran. So I guess we are not so popular here as Iraq. I am hardly believing we are here in Teheren staying right near Ayatollahs palace, so please Romsfield do not do your shockanaw here! We don't need Teheran (where whole Hussein family is hiding not in Iraq still or Syria and Chalabi is an idiot) to be blown into a pile of rock and donkey parts.
Okay so anyhow mostly time is boring but we all have health I suppose. We are thankful for that. Everyday we start the day in three room apartment each one saying what he is thankful to Allah for. Any of the 60-some people can't think of happy thoughts then my glorious Father (who shall be restored to full glory in big Shi'ite coup now he has converted) shoots a piece off of them and they start thinking faster then I am telling you. Usually it is just a small piece. "Now there is more room here!" says my glorious father who praise Allah still has his famous sense of humors. Pretty boring mostly but then we go beat up someone in market to keep practice. All boring until we get call from American movie maker hollywood producer. He wants deal, we say we want to disappear, and to make story short we will be going into video tape maker documentary and then reporter will help us get out of Teheran and anywhere we want to go. Deal? oh yea, is deal. Ooglay is ready to leave.
Tomorrow I tell you about making Fatwa video with big American video directors so much better then Osama videos. Ha! See you tomorrow.

(20:40 UTC 18 APR) Hey look I'm writing while you reading so get ready for new stuff soon! This is important though so quick! Okay, you in the Baghdad zoo, you know what to be feeding Lions? Kurds! Feed them just Kurds! No whey! Ha! Sometimes I am making myself to be laughing so hard that I am soiling my camel-hair thong!

(13:15 UTC 17 APR) Hello again to America and England and Australia and also all the good countries in the world. It is Ooglay again, okay? Yes yes hello except now I am sitting in biggest Mosque in downtown Teheran, you know the one with all the tall minarets, yes? I am certainly hoping Don Satan Romsfield is not to be shooting Cruise missiles in here like last time I said where I was with my Glorious Father! (who I would never turn over for any amount I have so far heard you cheap CIA swine!) Well Donny Cowboy maybe you should take those big YankeeBritAussies away from Syria border and all major intersections on the way where they aren't needed and be moving them to Iran border where everybody is just walking across like no problem with loads of antiquities, okay? Just some advice from me because I like you, you swine.
So before telling more I must be returning to this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who is along for ride and no one knows him and everyone thinks is big liar. Is this CIA man? Where did he come from? Never before have we seen him but he is appearing as if by magic D'jinn just before the leaving of Baghdad. "Hey I forgot food and ciggarettes. You got some Ooglay? Hey Ooglay, my wallet in car, can you cover me for lunch?" And never around on his turn to get tab. And on the road he is saying "hey Ooglay, this is good opportunity not like Amway" whatever that is, "we can run Nigerian-type scam!" and yes that is intriguing as I am the son of deposed despot but what makes him think that Allah wills him to have a share at all?
And listen please to some other things he is saying: "I was Information Minister" and "I know Robert Fisk he can put in good word for us" and "I was on Olympic soccer team" and "I dated Madonna" you know, all almost believable stuff but no real proof, yes?
And stories, let me tell you about stories! He has one for everything!
Stop for gas: "Hey one time friend of Uncle drives from Baghdad to Cairo picks up cousin then goes on Haj to Mecca then comes back same way and gas tank still full! Opens hood and finds "Ford Experimental Engine" - Americans trying to wipe us out!"
McDonalds when Uday falls in Ball Pit: "Hey Uday one time little girl in my half brothers home town get stuck with heroin needle doing that!"
Driving with no lights in dark to fool Americans: "Hey when I was in school in Berkely I hear L.A. California gangs have initiation where they do this and kill you if you flash brights at them!"
You are perhaps getting the pictures? I mean, there is no off switch on this guy! I am not knowing why, other then the mercy that Allah expects us to show to all, that we do not snuff this twister of truth twenty times!
Who is this guy?

(1930 UTC 16 APR) Okay now we are moving swiftly away from Damascus towards Teheran and mushroom cloud of a gas station is small blot on rearview and no one is wanting to stop for restroom breaks for some reason now. So I am having some time for the writing.
Indeed, so did I mention we are all in the finest Baghdad's womens clothing yes?And you were saying "Oh Wondrous Ooglay, for whom we wiggle mouse fingers til the cramping is too much to bear, you are leaving out something of your story, yes?" And I would be telling you "Yes, you stupid infidel swine are sharp as can be! Allah be praised for your wondrous ecucations." Long before the beginning of your illegal unilateral war against the peaceful people of Iraq my Glorious Father, for whom the clouds part for one ray of sunshine on the worst days of the year was planning for everything that could happen.
"Jacques says the US won't come. Jacques says he'll send the Foreign Legion if they do! I do not trust that perfumed belly-crawler from the sub-sewers of Paris!" Is what I remember my Esteemed Brother Qusay saying to he who gave us life. "Glorious Father I have a friend who is now in 'Consulting' business for people in our, uh, 'situation' maybe we can say.
So make it short you intention-deficit-disordering American readers! We have a 'consultant' who meets us somewhere in a tent on the road east from Tikrit. He is very tall woman, and ugly we are thinking except Uday stared a bit too much, and she seems fmiliar to me. Something maybe in the beard.
Do I know you from somewhere? I am asking and Qusay 8 is giving me a kick-in-the-shins.
"Call me O'shamus!" He says, "for sure and begorra I'm an Irish woman from county Cork" I think is what he said but I am hoping in pain on one leg because Qusay had on 'special shoes' designed by real Qusay.
Then I am settling down and stopping blood flow and I am hearing this 'Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf' character who no one knows and everyone thinks is big liar saying "I knew Osama! I was with him in the mountains! You are no Osama!"
And Uday is looking at this guy like 'what size chipper shredder will it take to shut him up' - I know that look too well - but he is still talking "Osama had distinguishing markings on his very small manhood!" Says al-Sahhaf (if that is his real name). "Prove yourself"
And I am about to say "Fool of a Camel cleaner! He said his name was O'Shamus! Not Osama!" But O'shamus says just this very slowly: "My transformation to a woman was complete."
So you can bet that shut the whole crowd up for a while there, and everyone staring at ground and not at O'shamus and kind of thinking about the future and crossing hands in figleaf position like after nasty soccer accident on TV.
But I am thinking but not saying "Complete maybe except for that two-fisted flavor savor of a beard on your chin, memshahib!" But no one wants to talk first now.
"Well..ahem..." said my Glorious Father who has gifted me with so much gift that removing would be crime I swear! "Let's just be changing into these Chadors for now..."
And we all are getting ready except I am bandaging leg now but Uday is saying "Please tell me these come in something other then black..." But I think he missed Glorious Father giving him the old "feet first or head first?" look that he uses at the shredder.

(1500 UTC 16 APR) Okay so maybe you are to be telling me - is this a funny thing? We are waiting at oasis with French gas station that is definitely no-where-near-Syrian border for some of my Glorious Father's (for whom I would to this day chew my arm off if I could use it to beat on Tommyfranks and his million marines!) ministers who are to be bringing seven sacks of US dollars to us in our time of need. So we are even ignoring the buzzing predators what are flying around because hey! We have been made up to appear to be beauteous Iraqi Woman by friend who is expert at such things and who is joined us very recently. I will tell you much more of him later. But funny thing is Uday, who seemed to need less help then others in becoming more like his sister, is now getting how you say "cocky"? He is running around in open doing foul belly dancing for predator with cameras sending image to who knows. I am not liking because even though unmanned predator has what you Americans call Hellfire missile with Ooglays name on it. This is too much trust in Will of Allah for even my Glorious Father who is soon chasing Uday back into Fina Gas Station with slappings from his wondrous sandal which I would never hope to fill.
Okay so this next is not funny: we are getting tired of waiting because ministers are late and that's some big bags of money okay? Not talking about little Jumbo garbage bags here, I mean BIG BAGS and Glorious Father is getting kurdkiller face on and that is good for no man or nation I am swearing by my mothers purity you just don't want to be around when he is getting such a foul mood.
Okay so finally father says that's it we go now to Teheran! But we know somebody will die soon from this anger and so no eye contact and all move quickly to cars and trucks parked along highway a little bit away and no one even is fighting over front seats.
But one Qusay double is having to make how you stupid weak Americans say potty stop and since stupid french gas station is not having one because hey French are about making money not spending it so he is going to go outside on side of pump as joke on French owner. So he is having some trouble lifting woman Chador clothes up to begin but soon he is going nicely all over French Gas pump and never will I forget the look on this infidel dogs face as he comes out saying something foull in French about hey you gonna wipe that up with your veil, be-yat...
But that is all I am hearing because hellfire is hitting right in the precision parts because hard to convince even American that you are woman when peeing standing up you stupid child of three hyenas!
So most impressive fireball is rising and caravan is burning the rubbers and dodging pieces of everything raining down all around but soon we are gone.
And then by miraculous mercy of Allah Glorious Father is starting to be chuckling a little and soon he is laughing out loud like we have not been hearing for some days now.
"Haha" he is saying with tears running now "I always told Chirac not to build so cheap"
A much beter mood, yes? So maybe rest of trip wont be so bad after all?


(In chronological order!)

(2300 UTC 9 Apr) I will give quick updates when I can.
It's crowded where I am now. There are the whole surviving family and lots of doubles. But we get good nights sleep. Hey! You don't worry, Ooglay is safe. I see me three times on TV today! I hold up sign and picture of Georgebush! Ha Ha! Picture is from toilet paper roll, stupid pigs. Now I am safe in...No! last time I say that I get a good Air Force Bombing! Ooglay not stupid twice! I will be to writing much more soon. Keep looking! And you who came across the border from the other nations to support us, keep fighting to the death! My glorious Father needs a little more time to cut a deal with Allah...

(0012 UTC 10 Apr) Okay Ooglay just finished diary updating and sending to be posting. Now someone new shows up in underpalace escape tunnel. Who is this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf? He is saying he is "Information Minister" but we never see him before. I am thinking he is big liar. Okay I am sleeping, don't worry if you don't hear for a while, okay?

(1800 UTC 10 APR) Okay still in the tunnel getting ready to go "up north". How you passing time? You say. Well we have game called "Who is real Uday?" that we play sometimes. Very funny with lots of doubles like now. And that reminded me to post new thing down below just a little. Anyhow if Qusay double #6 can get Satcom working (he is good at such things, trained by French!) we will all be watching Friends soon. Also maybe then we find out about lies this al-Sahhaf character is to be telling. Pull statue down of glorious father? I'm not thinking so. Uday double #4 almost shot him for his perfidy, but we have no more room for corpses here. Time for dinner. I'm supposed to cook but hey! I'll make one of my doubles do it!

(1900 UTC 10 APR) Okay now double is making dinner so Ooglay has time to issue my Glorious Father's final ultimatum to you imperialist American infidel Dogs: This is last chance to turn around your little tanks before we spring big trap and kick your ass out of Baghdad! Now Go!
Also to save face for you my Glorious Father offers this to Georgeboosh: You go on your TV and be saying "Okay, my mistake! It was translation problem. It was really Republican gardeners in Baghdad. That is why they don't fight. It was stupid mistake and Romsfelds fault, so he is fired. Soory to Iraq. We go away now." Okay? Tell America that now and we let you go home.
Also no Satcom so maybe no Friends. Hey Qusay 6, you got 15 minutes til French training gets blown out the back of your skull, okay?

(2300 UTC 10 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Well, lucky for Qusay 6 he got Satcom working. Lots of 'Friends' fans here. Hey, you Americans can maybe explain what is something we are only thinking here: Ross is fag, yes? We can not be telling with Hollywood Americans. Well, ER is to be sucking tonight so I am going soon to sleep. Sorry for if you Americans haven't seen this yet. And hey! Where is Seinfeld Jew show? Who cares. He was funny Jew. Ooglay likes some funny singer dancer Jews. So what? We still hate your culture. A little while ago we made Uday 5 go outside (he is one who is missing arm and leg from April fools anyway, plus lost eye in explosion) and see if anyone would shoot him. He comes back with no new bullet holes so looks like is coast is clear so far. Some want to send Ooglay double, but hey! I only have 2, plus my last humanshield. Anyway, maybe before dawn we make run for "up north." Secret plan is called "Follow the Rockets".

(1000 UTC 11 APR) Shhhhhh! We are moving "up north". It is dreadful trip. Humanshield on top of limo keeps thumping roof. Hard to enjoy countryside with all that racket. Uday 5 not tie him tight enough, but not bad for one-handed man. Well, he will soon be finding we are not needing him to be alive to fool Predators Missiles. Also for further diminishing of enjoyment is from water I was drinking not in bottle I am having "stomach troubles". (I know! 'Ooglay Hussein's diarreah!' very fonny, not laughing thankyouverymuch.) And Glorious Father says "Baghdad in the rearview and we are not stopping til Tikrit". Then he is smacking Uday and Qusay double with his sandal for arguing over GameBoy. Always I am hating long trips with family. By the will of Allah may we arrive soon!

(1400 UTC 11 APR) Okay yes is slow trip for some roadblocks, okay? And here is funny story for many Kangaroo Lover Aussies okay? Ooglay knows you are reading yes? Don't be surprised! Here is not-so-funny close call as we approach roadblock. It is Aussie troops of coalition! So Glorious Father does not even begin to be producing sweat as trooper comes to look upon us in the limo. I am in fourth seat back holding gun on humanshield but behind his back because we brought him down for roadblocks and I hear Great Father telling aussieman "yes yes, that is me. Quigley Down Under" and so I am knowing he is using Tom Selleck routine on this infidel.
Now I am hoping not to laugh because this is really funny in the palace, but also the only fake ID I am having is also fake Tom Selleck ID. From look on Qusay doubles face maybe him too. So we may be in big trouble, but Aussie only askings is for autograph, saying, "Roight, well that explains the limo then. Oy hardly recognized ya what with you all covered in s*@t!" and father scribbles on paper and he gives to him and we are driving on.
But then I am looking at Qusay 3 and he is shaking and saying "Aussies too tough" or something and he had fought them before but this time Q3 has just soiled himself and is still long drive and so we slow down a little and out into desert he is goes!
This is true I swear by the hump of my camel! I don't just make it up for Australians! It was easier to fool US and Brits! There is no way this coalition could beat anyone! Fight on Arab brothers! Boo you johnhowardstonysblaireorgesboosh jews!

(1930 UTC 12 APR) Okay Ooglay is getting ready to call it a day today. It is by the will of Allah that my family is staying with good friends in what is now "Free Republic of Iraq". So now is quite time and Ooglay has been how you would say lonely? And it is that I am thinking even some American girl is pretty. You know who I mean? Is Nancy Pigloosy. Very hot, you Americans would say, and friendly. She could not keep hands off Ooglay when she is visiting in secret. But also I must be true and say she was thinking Oogly is his father. She is not so smart of a girl and also too late I am seeing she is talking too much and "hey let's watch West Wing" and also says she is something how you say "snuggler?" In fact now I am getting clearer memory maybe not so hot, but a stalker type for sure. But if she was back here now who knows? Anyway after a week you know Ooglay is really tired of putting up with all the chatter and the whining about if I am "getting her message" or whatever and so it is time for "out the door you go!" And she is stomping away down driveway to the road shoving undies in purse and "flipping bird" (I know you American customs) when Ooglay is yelling "Oh yea? It is Ooglay, not his Glorious Father, who is not even offering cab fare!" And she is saying "Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I will have that statue torn down and pissing in fountain in my entry hall!" She points at Father's glorious statue in square and I am saying "Oh? You and what Army?" And she is turning hot red!
So anyway, if it's true what I heard about statue, maybe she is PO'd at Georgeboosh for ruining that for her too, eh? Who can tell with a woman?

(1730 UTC 13 APR) Ace of Spades? Glorious father! Ace of Hearts? Esteemed Uday! Ace of Clubs? Fearless Qusay! Ace of Diamonds? Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti. Who? Father's secretary?! Secretary! Ooglay is too greatly angered to be typing in your infidel monkey tongue now...

(0000 UTC 14 Apr) Praise to Allah that Friday the 13th is ending, even though it was falling on a Sunday this month, okay? First badness is leaving Tikrit swiftly on back of stinking pig farm truck, next is card deck, then then I see this online. And most outrageous story of all is this story with a pictures. This is to be outraged! This is Ooglay's home! So I have pictures of Dad and mistress, so what? Ooglay too angry to write today. I can't be believing that I tell about PigLoosy woman just last night and now here is place we made the movie of love showing up in our internet! Allah why are you hating Ooglay today!!!??? (oh yes, no you reading be listening to me like as if I am having their accents: Yeah Baby! Shagariffic! Pretty good huh?)

(11:00 UTC 14 APR) Hello it is Ooglay. Please to be believing I swear on my mothers purity we are not bound for Syria. We are going to Iran! We wil be in Teheran tonight. I hope Donny Romsfield doesn't find out and bomb them into stone age! Don't tell him! Then it is to Tel Aviv we go, then exile in London, okay. No Russia, too cold! Brrrrr Moscow bad! And Glorious Father is loving Fish and Chips.
And what a trip. In car with me are my esteemed brother Uday and Glorious Father, both like all of us 5 days from running water and angry as camels in season as Father is now blaming Uday for family's slightly damaged reputation. Once for peeing break Father draws his Golden Glock and puts a round into back of Uday's head (while he is facing away from Mecca if you are knowing what I am meaning). And then he is remorseful "Oh Uday my son even though you are the one who is looking nothing like me what have I done?" and I am knowing he is thinking how this will balance with building the mosques when it is standing before Allah time. But just then real Uday walks from over sand dune! He always had shy bladder, so Father shot wrong one! Well now we are having first big laugh in long time and Father is saying, "Okay Uday, you are to be getting one last chance. But in next country we take over you will start as Sanitation Department Head and work back up okay?
And Uday is saying in horror "But that is too big job in France" and my father gives him open handed slapping and I am reaching to remove my sandal but Uday puts his wretched foot on my neck and makes me stay on floor a while as Father pretends to not be noticing.
But then someone is saying "Hey there is McDonalds! Let us be stopping for lunch!"

(1400 UTC 14 APR) Okay so who would be thinking how bad things could go? Sometimes it would seem that Allah wills nothing but disaster for Ooglay and his family!
We are sitting down to eat at McDonalds because I don't know how it is in America but in Iraq they #$#^ you at the drive-through every time, okay? So first is Uday double with "Hey I said no pickle" and Qusay double saying "hey this is girl toy I am wanting boy toy" and Glorious Father says "shut up and be greatful you are having some food!" and since he was waving gun they all did.
Then we are finishing and this Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf character who is along for ride saying he is "Information Minister" but we think is just big liar starts saying "Hey did you know the McDonalds is to be putting worms in Hamburger meats? And the French Fries are made from rice! And he says it's all true he knows from friend of friend of one of his distant uncles...and don't get me started on nuggets! What part of Chicken is nugget?" But then Uday 7 who just had hamburger and fries and someone I think is real Uday maybe are drawing weapons and Glorious Father is reaching for his Glorious Golden Glock when assistant lunch manager comes running saying stop! you all are leaving now, no gun violence please! And you are in here all covered in #$%$ and smell most offensive to other respected customers! And he thinks he is big shot wirth his rocket propelled grenade launcher but Father is seeing it is useless Russian one so he gives a high sign and before smart guy knows it two Qusays and a Saddam have him face down in the french fryer, okay? So now everyone is running like crazy for doors and hey! Time to get going to Teheran not Damascus! So we pile in the Nissans and off we are going like the desert wind I am telling you! And the reason I am thinking I am cursed by Allah is because I did not get the McFlurry I was wanting so badly, you see?

(2230 UTC 14 APR) Hello stupid Americans! Here is what I am greeting you with today: Ooglay is hoping you are enjoying giving your taxes money to Georgesboosh! Maybe he will be building new statues in Basra and putting some Iraqi gas in Bart Simpson's Sport Utility Vehicle with your infidel unclean dollars stupid Americans.
And here is happy thought: Ooglay will not file his taxes this year because of Regime change! HAHAHA! This is fonny, yes? Then why when I am saying this to my Glorious Father did he strangle me like a Shi'ite Kurd?
Only thing saving me was Pete showed up. We had big delay here on road to Teheran not Damascus when we are waiting for Pete and Rasheed to bring us U-Haul trailer up from Baghdad with last of the good crap from the museum that wasn't a fake version of something we already sold years ago. So first we are thinking we are going to move Pete higher up on Death List but finally he is showing up. He had to do real TV reporter show complaining about lawlessness and looting running rampant in Baghdad now that the Americans have ruined everything in the town. He makes especially big deal about the museum things, which I think is fonny so we let him live and maybe take him off list completely. He did nothing wrong anyway my Glorious Father just puts everyone on that list to keep them in line, okay? So we send him back to Baghdad with more story ideas for him and our other friends there and off we go a little slower now cause man that is one heavy trailor, Allah be praised!

(2245 15 APR) Okay yes hello now I am needing this quickly, okay? We are going very slow yes over the mountains going into Iran pulling this big U-Haul trailer. We are not in flat desert going towards Syria. So say if you are or know anyone flying two F/A 18 Hornet Ground Attacking type aircraft bristling with shiny air-to-ground missiles and you are flying somewhere near border of Syria well, hey! That is not Saddam Hussein convoy under you okay? Those just peaceful Iraqi ladies traveling towards Syria with Uhaul. See the pretty ladies waving at you Mr F/A 18 Pilot. That is not just Hussein family painted up like French Whores okay, so go away looking for them somewhere else, okay? We are all women driving way from you. No business of yours okay don't launch those missiles just turn around tell them because Husseins are getting away and into Iran so yes please to be saving those million dollar missiles for Ayatollah whoever this week over in Iran I don't care go blow him up before Saddam gets to him with WMD okay not on road to Damascus that's someone else go away now tell them North Korea called and said Georgeboosh is big fat looser with druggy prostitute daughters you know and wife and mother ugly in 10 different ways. Go away Navy Attack Aircraft good riddance already that is not us just whistling minding own business...


Okay, so now here is what. Ooglay will put new diary things here when he has time to write about older things instead of right now telling ruuning things. I will write new things soon but soo busy now with all your predators! I promise I will be finishing true story of war of your aggression, okay American English Australian Infidel Pigs? No laughing at me!

Oh, and go read this Greyhawk crap so he can win new car or something. Pig.


Wear out your filthy unclean American infidel Great Satan mouse fingers!
Listen I am Ooglay Hussein and the son of my glorious Father, may he give a fisted beating to you if you are with the evil georgebush. Once I was beaten by my Father long may he reign and two of his body doubles at the same time!! This was bad for me I will tell you now but by the will of the prophet I survived and became stronger. But still this again you must know:

Here is story of first day of your immoral war, infidel pigdogs! I will stil be adding to this thing because so many things went wrong. I am telling you know by the will of Allah it was not a so good day for me...


Hello I am having trouble sleeping.
Can I ask for planes to only be stealthy ones? Also the bomb dropping is too loud. I am angry now at stoopid GeorgeBush because I rote to him a nice letter and sed if he wanted to fight dad then he could meet dad at the bunker and i also said exactly when even though dad said he would kill me if i sent that letter i didn't tell him i sent it.
but GeorgeBush did not show up instead the planes came and george bush is a big coward because my dad could beat him up and show it on al jazeera.
Dad is a hero and one day I will be be a hero too and my older brothers will stop making me do the things they make me do that are not heroic at all so i am telling you!!!
So maybe I will give georgebush one more chance to come debate my dad just like dad sed.
And also if you are so great America why you bombs so loud? I need to sleep now. I will tell you more about the war in baghdad later for now goodby Allah be praised.
--Ooglay Hussein
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 19, 2003 11:40 PM

Ohh hello again i am still Ooglay and it is so very exiting what i am telling you of what i will be doing in baghdad here today by the will of Allah because the sun has come upward and george bush flew away.
Glorious father saddam for whom we will all die i said why does george bush hate us when he is a republican and we have the republican guards and then father saddam who is all wise smacked my face and spoke ill of my mother.
But then he said he was sorry and now here is what is exiting to me. Glorious Father Saddam says I Ooglay will today be allowed to drive in his fathers biggest Mercedes all around Baghdad!
This is wonderful i am not ugly like my two brothers who are older and make me do things that i think have no word for in your english i learned at university in france. I am not ugly like them i am handsome and look just like glorious father saddam and when i drive through baghdad's glorious streets the people cheer me. Allah be praised.
This way i said okay i am not angry you smacked me and he smacked me again then and now i will be driven around in Baghdad to celebrate driving off the aggressor georgebush in our triumphant victory. my brothers will feel some jealousy i am telling you now!
i will take this my laptop computer so i will tell you about baghdad in the e-mails and i am heroic.
We are triumphant!
Also it is a convertable!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 12:16 AM

And Here i am Ooglay Hussein again and now I have finished the hearing of my glorious father who was talking on the TV but I am only having a radio in this car but still i am now more inspired. You Americans are weak and must tremble. Before he went on tv and i went on the car my father kicked me in my hindquarters and then he fell and broke his good glasses and had to wear the ones my mother bless her soul made him get. He said the kicking made me stronger.
And you are not strong you weak americans you are not even talking to me and i said why dont they talk to me and my slave said that you are all asleep. This is why you Americans are weak because you are sleeping in the daylight and we are getting some things ready hear i am telling you now.
And yes the slave i am having with me is a human shield from america and he tells me what you are like and so this is how we know you are divided coountry and we will defeat you!
Your cowrd president flew away when up came the sun and now he is not bombing on us so my glorious father for whom i cant wait to die for is letting me to drive around baghdad in his convertible mercedes.
And I will not let my slave human shield use my laptop computer to talk. I am cruel and when my older brothers do bad things to me i do bad things to my human shield.
I will make him wear the driver hat and drive me around in the convertible. My brother took my hat away and said not to wear it so everyone could see me and know how much i look like my father and so my mother is pure even if she is ugly as a camel. This is what my brother said and his mother is different. But I did not say it, because camels are not ugly. Now my laptop batery is dying!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 12:54 AM

Okay so you know I am Ooglay and I am cheered in the streets of Baghdad! And maybe the smart ones of you say I have new battery, and I do. And here is why: My slave and I broke into the boarded up peasant store and though first the peasant said he could not help I showed him one of my brother's tricks and then he became very helpful, yes!!
So now we are driving near the Ziggurat. It is an ancient ruin and very much not good for anything because hey, it is 5000 years ago that it was built by infidels! But still the Republican Guard are getting ready to dynamite it now and they have some slaves doing the work and then we will kill them and then blow it up the ziggurat! This will be funny because then we will be blaming the Americans and British and all their other allies who are against the world in this unilateral attack with no UN improvements!
And okay now listen because with Allahs blessings this is my favorite part that my slave has called his organization in America and when we blow this up we will have your Protestors make another big parade! And in London too they will do it and the funny thing is to me that my father for whom these peasants are willing to die in flames hates their communisms!
But that is not why now I am laughing but you cant hear that. It is because i got my solid gold cigar lighter in the dash very hot to light my Cigar and then I didn't want to waste the extra hot in it so I jabbed this human shield's back part of his neck but that's not why I laugh! And he made a funny noise and almost wrecked my fathers most beloved mercedes but that is also not why I am laughing.
I am laughing because I said then "see what a fine little human shield you are" - you see I can make english language joke, eh? I am a French University graduate is why I am the smartest of all my fathers sons.
I am hearing some loud kind of noise tha
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at March 20, 2003 02:20 AM

[3/20/2003 1:52:11 AM |
Okay now yes It is Ooglay in Baghdad now okay and I will tell you the things that happened but first I must say more words about my slave who is american human shield. I enjoy him, you know, but Sean Penn the Actor was a better time I think but we had to be better to him outside but in the palace when my glorious father who gave me life turned away then we would enjoy SeanPenn some more. And we made a movie because he is a movie star and if you little funny american soldiers come to take over maybe you will give this movie to the madonna yor singing american tramp singer who will know one thousand tortues in the life hereafter. The funny part he carried me on his back like a pony but didn't laugh. When he ran off we were a long time til the humanshields came. He does not talk on the tv about the good things of my glorious father and this country now so I don't think he will come back?
So the loud noise anyway I thought it was a jet first but it wasn't and I thought I was going to die but guess what I am alive and it wasn't a jet.
They blew up the ziggurat too early and that is what I heard and my ears are ringing so it is good we talk in writing cause maybe I don't hear anything as good as that for a while. Someone said that one of the peasants did it on purpose because the guard was still there and now they are not in good shape. Some are laying now on the ground and yelling and bleeding and kicking. So I think the peasant slaves new we were going to kill them but who knows? But there is no one here to take care of the ones who are kicking because they are no doctors here because georgreBush embargo. Thousands have died like this one I'm standing over looking at him kick and now just twitch. And he is Republican Guard and they are elite and i just walked over where I couldn't see him anymore.
And I went back a little way towhere the car was and it was dirty and I knew my father for whom I would cut off my own left hand would not be happy.
But then I tell you maybe this new humanshield is more better then Seanpenn because he got out of the car and I could see that when the explosion happened it scared him and he wet his pants. I laughed at him and slapped him to make him stronger.

[3/20/2003 2:56:25 AM |
Okay I am Ooglay Hussein and I am knowing that you are not knowing about war, so here I will tell all of you friends of my glorious home country that it is a terrible thing to be relentlessly bombed by the evil georgebush and also we know it is not the american people.
Okay now i had gone from the car but while so my slave got my notebook computer but then before i slapped him he showed me he had made this web site and now i can tell you here about these things. So yes he did all that before i slapped him.
Now we are having a phone in the car so when next it was ringing i thought "oh here is georgebush or tony the jew blair and they want to ask my father to delever a pizza again" But that is what they do on fridays not today so in fact it was my righteous father from whom all blessings flow.
And his anger knew no bounds because the collection of hand blown glass that Chiraq had given to him long ago was destroyed in the raid.
But this is what so help me if he sees this ever he will have my head on a spike was funny.
He had forgotton there was a key he needed on the keyring he gave us and it was to the vault where the missles were and now we really need to get those to Syria Ooglay as if it was my fault he didn't have Blix take them with the ones they took there last week. But my father for whom I wud nail my own tongue to a door said he was not too angry but he would take another toe from my foot if I didn't have the key to the vault in a half hour.
And this was not good because we were supposed to be at the elmentary school with the human shields and Republican Guards at that same time to meet the reporter from CNN Europe.
And oh did i mention the craters in the roads?
By the tears of the prophet i have never had such a day...

[3/20/2003 3:53:37 AM |
Okay am I thinking that maybe now you are knowing I'm between Iraq and a hard place - Haha! this is a big joke i have made for you in your language!
Now here is more jokings in your language: How many Georgebush to put in the litebulbs? Oh please let it be no more then one!!!
Now you see I am not always serius. But for now no more joking! Here is what a situation i am in: I have to get to the hospital to unlock the vault so Uday can be getting to the missles, and if they are the missles i think they might be i want to go away from there real quick just throw the keys, okay?)
Then I have to get to the school where the human shields are playing in the playground with the kids while the CNN Europe people are there filming the danger Georgebush is putting the kids in and make sure none of the stoopit Republican Guards poke their heads out of the school building while this reporting person is there. Or at least bust up the camera.
So tell me why if Ooglay can do all those things he is still going to have to wash his esteemed elder brothers dirty burnoose tonight? These are things that are wrong...
And so my feeble pants wetter of a human shield starts driving slowly around one of last nights craters on the way to the hospital. Now I am thinking it is good i bought for my glorious father for whom i would cut myself up into small pieces and feed myself to a dog I bought him last fathers day the beads to go over the leather seats in this car or else he would kill me for the wetness of the infidel on the leather.
And that (i swear to you by the prophet i nearly died 5 times today) is when the F16 attacked...

[3/20/2003 8:17:45 PM |
See listen now while I reveal the miraculous story of shooting the plane down. It came screaming out of the sky and my most useful humanshield chose to run outside of my car then so never mind him for now. He did not shield me though.
So I am alone in the back seat of the mercedes and the f16 comes diving out of the sky shooting and I know some bullets got in my fathers illustrious car. So it goes i hope he does not let his anger lead to my death by a beating.
But now i think "well they forgot to give me a weapon again" but just then, and this is the part you must have some believing for, by the will of Allah I am holding a Kalishnikov.
And still the f16 is diving and i can't believe they are coming in so low and still shooting and i think my reward of 71 virgins is very close indeed. but i raised my most beloved kali and began to empty the clip. And is this the strangest thing of all that i hit the plane and then it was flaming and smoking and by the will of Allah the plane was destroyed. I know then that Allah is on my side and no virgins for me yet!
Nobody saw this thing and it makes me the greatest hero of the war! And the wreckage of the plane is nowhere to be seen, because the heat was so great it was utterly consumed!
So soon i will get my slave human shield and i wont have time to give him a beating because as it is unless Allah wills otherwise we are now to be late to meet Uday.
So now I know when i find Uday he will say "you son of a pig you are late and if the Frenchmen doesn't get these soon the deal is off!"
And I will be able to swear I was late because of the cursed plane but the best hope is that he will let me choose which bone inside my body he will break.
And then when i found the infidel he had an idea that if he gave Uday some of the drugs he brought from your decadent country that maybe i would avoid that beating after all!
I took his drugs and shoved them in my pocket, and will offer them to Uday but Allah be praised I would never touch the unclean things myself!!
And then I realized we could take a shortcut across the cemetery of the 500000 martyrs. Some may know this is the cemetery that used to be a golf course but when the French reporter said we needed some way to prove the sanctions had killed 500000 Iraqi children we made it look like a cemetery. That was Qusay?s idea and I think maybe that is why my father favors him over some.
But my beloved father, may he live 1000 years and father me 10000 brothers, will perhaps give me another medal for my bravery.
And when I beat my human shield I will use a stick no thicker then my thumb. This shows my mercy. Remember it if I am captured by the infidels you swine.

[3/21/2003 7:16:56 AM |
Okay Here then is some thinking "yes, Ooglay, you are too long taking to do this diary because still you are writing about great things that happened yesterday while now outside it is tiday! Well yes, but that is because so many things are happening in every day and that is because georgebush - I spit when saying your name and then I feel unclean - has a cowboy rush to war!!!! So now I will do some trying to catch up .
Here is a thing you must know, and I myself with all my wisdom do not know if it is true. My slave American humanshield drove swiftly though the cemetery of one half million martyrs, knocking many of the fake tombstones down on their empty graves and thinking gleefully we could blame the tanks and maybe I would be spared a mighty fisted beating this time. But I know this thing is true.
Well then is the ringing of the phone, and still it isn't Friday so I answered and it was Dicks Cheney and here are the things he was saying:
"Where is Qusay"
"I am not knowing where is my exalted brother overfed american pig heart..."
"We killed him with 1000 bombings" Is what he said. And so that is the thing i don't know if is true, even though really it is tomorrow from there when I write this down.
And if it is true then he is now my most exalted brother and Uday is my most exalted living brother and if i say it wrong i will dangle by my heels somewhere cold for some time to learn it better. And Uday will strike with his cane!
But that is not now, now I am going to meet Uday and get him his keys to the missile vault. Drive faster, pig of a human shield!!!

[3/21/2003 7:47:49 AM ]
I am telling you now the things i am remembering mostly about my good brother Qusay, who gave so much to charitable causes! But by the will of Allah I don't think he is dead, though here are things I remember fondly:
When the first of the humanshields came and we said

"what are you doing here little hairy and foul smelling infidel dog?"
"and he said 'i'm going to find myself' and we had no idea what that was, even though we all are well knowing of your english monkey language.
Then i grabbed one arm and Uday grabbed an arm and Qusay started up the chainsaw and cut his legs off then threw them out the window. And this is what Qusay said because always he had that sense of humor about things he said: 'Well, start by looking out there!' And Uday and I hurled him living out the ten story window because we were not hiding in the under-palace then i am telling you.
So that is one thing I remember about Qusay: his sense of humor!!! What will be done with his rotting corpse? I asked my wise brother and he slapped me and said"stupid! He will be found after a bombing run...that is why he came here!!
And I did not need that slapping!
Also he could eat anything but that is not something I want to talk about now. I would rather forget that part of Qusay.
So one last thing I will remember about him is his goodness to animals. Here is how i know because of his goats and sheep! No really, when we were young he had sheep and goats kept at a private oasis that was highly fenced and no one could go in under pain of death! That is how much he loved them and he went every day. My father from whom all sunlight comes said we are descended from a people who would do this as nomads. And Qusay would do this with help from no one long after he married several wives and had many children, Allah be praised! Then when he took over the secret police he was too busy there and I don't know what happened to his goats and sheep.
So also if he is dead i will never be forgetting his kindnesses to animals.
Also for a minute I am realizing if Allah has given Qusay his reward then I am third in line to be ruler, but then I stopped thinking it because we were at the hospital where Uday keeps the missiles.

[4/6/2003 1:31:06 AM]
Okay it has been very busy for Ooglay. Lately the American's are keeping everybody awake very late with not driving their tanks through town. That noise they make not being here actually being 500 kilometers away has everyone on edge.
Also I am busy writing on American internet to encourage glorious filthy pig American war protestors to make parades to support my glorious family against the evil georgesbush who is trying to take our oil. Father Saddam, creator of the Mother of all Battles is telling you protestors his thanks! Do not stop now and the Father of MOAB will give you each some of his oil. And also 10 million Iraqi Dinar.
Now I am having more time and will be writing more about your georgebush cowboy war.
Okay but first some explaining. Someone says "Greyhawk it is Ooglay. Thanks you make me laugh!" Well, no Ooglay is Ooglay. Greyhawk is not. Ooglay meets Greyhawk on ScrappleFaces. Iraqi government blocks Iraqis from having great satan American Home page. So Greyhawk says to Ooglay he wants "Americans to see how Iraqi Baath party Saddam Hussein people really are" and so he will post for Ooglay the diary. Okay? So this is why Greyhawk has his name on it. But he tells me "tell them it is you, Ooglay! Some people think it is made up!!" No, it is Ooglay. Thanks be unto you for this opportunity Mr Hawk. Aso some people write bad things about my glorious father on ScrappleFace and write your Greyhawk name there. You should tell them stop.
Now it is back to my diary. Where was I?

[4/6/2003 4:50:21 AM]
Okay so please to remember I am still telling of the first day of your American aggression.
When I get to the Hospital with my infidel swine humanshield I first put the leash and collar on him. We always do this when we are around Uday. He likes to see the dogs treated like dogs. So "come in to the hospital on your allfours" is what I tell the human shield. His knees are bloody with scabbings and his hands hurt already to where he can not hardly drive the car, but he does what I tell him.
But then I see Hans coming out of the Hospital and he says "You are late! Don't bring him in. Just take your brother the keys!" Then he is going to the cafeteria and I say "Well here, Hans, you pig, you take him for a while" and Hans says "Screw you Ooglay. I'm going to get a porkchop and then get the hell out of here."
I swear by the hump of my camel this is how Hans talks when he is not on TV. He cracks me up!
And that stupid bald headed Swede, the last time he came over to the palace he drank all the good vadkaa and passed out and puked on the good Persian rug. The one from Al-Iskanders day. So that was funny too. He can't hold his liquor.
So I am now having to tie my humanshield to the car bumper and take the keys and go into the hospital basement to find Uday.
And I go to where they store the missiles in the basement and there is waiting at the door is Uday. But also with him is the Russian and the Syrian (I never know their names but I like them not and trust them less. They have a mean streak in them.) who usually don't always work together. So who knows when a war is going what might happen?
But esteemed brother Uday shakes his cane at me saying evil curses regarding my mother and the circumstances of my birth and why am I slow? And I tell him I shot down the F16 and then yes he hits me and says "Dog! I invented that one in '91!" And to this day I have a bruise where he hit me with the cane. But he got his key.
And the Syrian laughed at me a little then but by the will of Allah he will never laugh again some day.
So those three turned to the big doors and began to open the lock and then I notice on the hospital cart is human head. It is Pierre! And he has bullet hole in forehead! And the battery with the crank and wires with aligator clips is nearby. And yes I saw the marks on his ears.
Now I don't know what is going on but Uday and the Syrian and the Russian all had pistols on, and I can't remember if Hans had one or not. But Pierre had really got someone angry I can tell you.
Then Uday is coming out of the vault and he slaps me with open hand and says "Here put that in this bag" and gives me a satchel from inside the vault that usually holds detonators. So I have to put the filthy head in the bag. And I have heard rumors about the diseases Pierre had in life and I hope it is not the will of Allah I get one of those!
Now I have a chance to look in the vault and Uday forgive me but you are a fool! (I did not say this or even think it too hard) There were some red tips, blue tips, and sheesh! Even some green tips still there! No wonder Hans was pissed! This things were supposed to be across the border three weeks ago! And now the Russian and the Syrian are arguing about who is going to do what for moving them into the truck (they would only need one truck, Uday didn't keep too many behind) and I can just see them maybe getting stupid with some of each missile here! No thank you! I need to be at least 2 preferably 5 kilometers away now if you please! And which way is wind blowing? So while they argue and Uday is drawing his pistiol and firing rounds into the floor above to get their attention, Ooglay is running like an Iranian for the door!

So okay, now is Ooglay running like the wind away from the vault with the missiles. Some of each! I can't believe it. We make them in 2 days if we need some. Why did he keep some? I don't know. So I am hurrying into car and starting it up and driving away. And I see Hans in the rear view and he's yelling something but he has a big mouth full of food and I don't like Hans anyhow. Not since I caught him with Arnett. But that you are saying is another story, yes?
So I have to get to the school in big hurry anyway, remember? Is school where humanshields are playing with school kids for CNN Europe reporter to film them. My job will be to kill the reporters if they catch sight of the Fedayeen Saddam using the building as headquarters. Also I have to get the humanshields back into the truck to take them back to the prison. But this is making me think I'm forgetting something.
And the people of Baghdad are all yelling and pointing as I go by. They think I am my glorious Father! This is fine! But no, that is not it, they are pointing behind me but I look in rear-view mirrors and see nothing. Then I go over a bump and Uh-oh! He pops up in the air so I can see him. My stupid humanshield! He was still tied to bumper by leash! He must have been asleep when I hurried out of the hospitol. I drove up to where I could park without worrying about the car getting scratched. Then I go look at him.
He is not dead. He was unconcious. But also he is lots of bleeding. So now I can't put him in car with blood pouring out. So when he doesn't wake up after I am shaking him then I put him in trunk. I will take the infidel to Doctor later, first the school.
And of course whenever you say "School" I think "where's my gun." so I take a little time to put this on. Then I wash my hands from having had to touch him. Then I start driving to Uday Hussein elementary school. Of us all it is Uday who has most schools named for him, including one in Brooklyn NY. We aren't going their today either.
Very strange, I am thinking.

Okay so Ooglay is driving like crazy to get to school and thinking "Hey, I never used to be in this kind of rush to go to school, you know?" Haha. One time Ooglay got an F in school. That was last time I got one or that teacher gave one, you know? I bet American kids would like to have that going for them.
So I am cutting through Shi'ite market and thinking "Hey! This market always nice and good prices and clean and almost a shame it would be to blow this up during war and blame Americans!" But Shi'ites and Kurds are ruining my homeland, I am telling you.
And now be remebering my humanshield in the trunk? Is waking up now I am guessing because I hear the thumping sound from trunk. Also some groan but not very loud to compare to what Qusay could make someone do on the really hot days. So I am yelling "hey, shut up! I am heading right this minute straight to the hospitol for you!"
And if you are soft American reading this, well maybe you think you have bad day if tire goes flat let me tell you about bad day. I am cutting through park to get to school just ahead when suddenly I am hearing that ripping sheet metal sound from first war that means inbound Tommy Hawk! Good thing I was cutting through grassy area cause I can throw door open and roll out like we learned in the class taught by the Russians while car keeps going away. Then I curl into ball as car is heading for crowd but it doesn't get there because "boom" goes missile right into it.
Now I know my glorious Father for whom we fight this victorious war will be angry! He did not give Ooglay the car just to get it blown up by American missile! And will he blame Georgeboosh? Yes, may the flies of a thousand camels plague him for the rest of his days, but it is Ooglay who will take the fisted pounding for this one thank you very much Mr Navy Battleship Missile Boat!
And the worst thing is when I am looking around a little there are no parts of the humanshield big enough to use to embarass the Imperialist American Infidel Dogs!
And curse them all now I have to walk the last half kilometer to school! And I am late!

Okay, so here I am running a little to get to school now. And very late! And I get there and it is tragedy. Here is scene:
Children from childrens prison all trying to be looking happy playing.
Human shields never before near children all stand off to one side looking disgusted because of smell. All humanshields are weak!
CNN Europe reporter and cameraman not paying attention to them, because stoopid Fedayeen soldiers have anti-aircraft missile battery right out in open on playground! This is why Ooglay was to be here, to stop just this thing from its happening. So I have blown up car and no corpse of humanshield and now this! You know Ooglay is getting pounded with many angry fists tonight!
So maybe I can make things a little better. Am drawing gun and walking over to kill reporters when he is looking at me and is hey! Pete! So all is not so bad. I don't have to be killing him unless I want to. But Glorious Father says he is "useful idiot" so then I am thinking okay, better not shoot.
So what about cameraman? This is Ooglays only good break today. He is Russian agent! A blessing from Allah! Too good to be true! They are only giving pointers to the crew for how to be shooting down the American planes.
Okay, now the lateness of the day is comming, and it has been very long of a day I am telling you the pillows in the bed in my Glorious Father's Underpalace are seeming far away still but oh so soft! So quickly we are loading Children on bus for childrens prison and humanshields on bus for hell for all I care. But only after they are driving away in foul cloud of fumes and rattles am I thinking "hey, no car!" And if Ooglay is caught out in Shia neighborhoods tonight maybe day gets very worse very quickly. Will of Allah is not to be pushed too far, yes?
So hey, Pete, Yevgeny, can Ooglay catch ride back to Underpalace?
"No. Only car is crappy little French Renault with no room for you with camera gear in back."
So first I am thinking there will be room if I put three bulletts in your brain pan infidel dog! but then I am remembering Pete is always out for number 1. And when I am reaching for gun I find humanshield drugs in pocket and say "maybe Oogly can make this worth your while?."
So then Ooglay is getting to ride shotgun with Yezgeny holding tight to top of car that day I am telling you!

OKAY, These next things are not from first day of war, they come later. But is still diary things.

21 Mar:
Here is a great outrage that by the prophet can not be allowed!! I am Ooglay son of Saddam long may he reign and never to be replaced by Uday! Most exalted Uday may your cane be ever straight! I am seeing on CNN Europe in my under-Palace that U.S. Marine Corps has raised that needing-burning U.S. Flag over Umm Qasr, the birthplace home of my beloved mother 16th wife of Saddam and whos dowry was 300 camels!
Now outrages this too far exceed my anger and my hate is burning til my fingers clench and hardly can i think toi talk your language on my keyboard!!
Okay, so I am calming some. Now here is what I am saying to you my American allies or anyone who so often here say you are anti-war: I, Ooglay Hussein will be giving to the first of you who can go to Umm Qasr Marine Corps base, rip down that filthy flag and burn it, the princely sum of 3,000,000 dinar!!!!
Now also you who are parading and fighting in your filthy crime ridden American streets have gladdened my soul. On behalf of my father who will live to ancient years and will in his grand benevelance gladly give all promised gifts to your protest leaders as agreed before the war. Do not stop now.
(And now this part is the proivate messaging to my cousin Shaheed: I am seeing you in the rioting picture from San Francisco! We are proud and happy for no one had heard of you since Canada. Do not be stopping now, you are turning the evil satans against each other and you make my father's only smile!)
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 05:06 AM

Ahh my "ally" Frenchman, here I Ooglay am drinking now heavily for reasons of my own and will soon be finished for tonight. But my educating is needed for those of American schoolings. Listen here is the reason why Georgebush is the world joke butt okay?
I am inventing good jokes all the time in the palace and so I went to tell my glorious father for whom i will gladly make of myself a baricade before your paper tanks a new joking i had thought. I saw his office door being not shut allways so that means i can enter? right? so i approached the prescence of he for whom the sun provides warmth and he was on the phone at his desk but i stood proudly before him and he is talking to chiraq and this is always making him angry and he is saying when jacques will your foul foreign legion arrive? Don't jerk me Jacques! And okay i think he needs a laugh.
"Glorious Father for whom i would gladly ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground,here is a riddle for your laughing!!"
And he looked at me with those kill-you-slowly eyes he used on dans rather but doesn't say a word
and I say "then how many georges bush does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" and he looks now like he looks at the meat grinder people and I say "Oh no please don't say there's more then one!!! Get it?"
And so that is when he struk me very forcefully between my eyes with the phone.
And I am now falling backwards and if not for the will of Allah that our friend Hans Blix was there to catch me I would inded have fallen into the drums of ricin that were nearly filling that half of the room.
So now is why george bush is worlds joke, okay, because a bit later as i come to my senses my glorious father for whom I would run naked with only my sword into your onrushing marines is telling this same joke of mine to Chiraq!!
And that is how it came to be, that the world jokes about bush, i swear on my mothers purity!
But Frenchmen, where is my foriegn legion frenchmen?
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 12:27 PM

And here is my other good joke:
I am designing T-shirt and it shows blown up things like the ancient ziggurat and Esteemed brother Udays palace (may none of his others experience harm) and the museum that Qusays people blew up this morning, okay, and then it says "Okay, shock and awe, shock and awe! We get it already, now go home!" Don't you think it's funny? Okay now keep listening to what i write; I am Ooglay! Well I make a picture of them and make it look like the pope is wearing one and I put them on e-bay for 50,000,000 dinar each an so far i sell 3 million of them in France and San Francisco! This is a wonderful thing but here is where Ooglay is funny joke: we will never make or deliver them!!! Ha!! Now where is your foriegn legion!
Posted by: ooglay on March 21, 2003 12:38 PM

25 March:
Hey who is to be telling me war is dangerous! I am the one who will be telling you! It is Ooglay, son of my father, who is smarter then the smartest of your smart bombs!!Yes you are rightly thinking I am alive and well. Allah be praised! After last poting I made telling how my glorious father was safe with me in my underpalace which the americans (i spit when i say that word though dying of 1000 thirsts) were not finding with bombs. Well it was not one halfhour later when they found it with more bombs then i would care to see again i tell you now! I do not like your inhuman shockanaw! You american protestors must make georgebush stop trying to take my glorious fathers oil with his shockanaw! All he is doing is stealing the beloved leader of my county's oils! Then he can put it in your SUV and that is how he will take your tax cut money back I tell you it's true on my mothers purity i swear! Protest him until he stops, you infidel swine!!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:29 AM

Ouch stop hiting me my brother Uday with that cursed cane...I'm writng now I'm sory for calig or protested friend teh swine. They are not the swne teh glorous protestrs, my fater declars you all honorary citizen of Iraq! Now, my esteemed brother, ma yopu have 2000 sons, enough wit the caning of my hindquarters!! Look at my typings now...
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:37 AM

Hello to you all It is Ooglay, son of the glorious leader of the people of Iraq. Long may he reign! Long may they know the thousand daily pleasures of his reigning on them!
Ooglay where have you been? This is the thing everyone here is asking everyone else here I am sure i know this. My story is that war is dangerous like only I can tell you. Hear me: After the shockanawing on my underpalace my father and brothers or their doubles (who can tell these days with all of us covered in s**t) blamed Ooglay for revealing the secret location on his postings. Well let me tell you no one except the foulest of your hollywood infidels would deserve a fisted pounding the like of which they gave Ooglay on that day I tell you I swear by the hump of my camel. Three Saddams, two Udays, and I think one of the many Qasays were all kicking me at one time. You do not want a thing like that, you soft Americans!And my humanshield did not shield me at all that day! Curse his hide!! I hope he's sent to Basra!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 11:49 AM

So now you are thinking you know war is bad? Not the half of the bad things you are knowing! I am Ooglay and for my glorious father i would hand pull a wagon full of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons to the syrian border except that i just drove it there and it was a truck!
Now I will tell you where I have been: After my beating my brothers took me and hoisted me up on the flagpole on the roof of the last standing ministry of defense building here in Baghdad!! And all that day and into the night I stayed there on top of the empty building, like hello american missile pilots, here is Ooglay shoot me!! And Uday was thinking he was very funny to be shining the russian laser guidance beam on me that night from across the street! D**n the russians! We shine their useless guidance lasers on the museums and the mosques and they are not hit ever!! The Russians will pay for selling useless crap to my angry father, I will be telling you!! Well Allah be praised Ooglay was spared when the Americans did not come that night! So I am thinking Good they maybe are starting on Teheran (this should be making you protestors angry!) but the next day they still leave me up flapping all day. And so they would the next night but my mother, praise upon her wondrous beauty, arrived on the bus from Umm Qasr and gave Uday a beating with his own cane and made him take me down! And I am not knowing what she did to my illustrious father but he has stopped drawing his pistol now when I enter the room!
So it is I Ooglay, who is knowing that war is dangerous!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:12 PM

Ohh and I forgot to all the wonderful protestors Teheran is in Iran, it is different from Iraq. Are you seeing it? Now go and make a parade, you have no time for here! You should have the new signs from Qasay by now. Please to be using them!!
And you Hollywooder infidels, may you burn for eternity in 1000 lakes of fire, my glorious father has cleared the best rooms in the palace hotel for you. He loves you and is ready for your illustrious visits just as planned. The lakes of fire is my kidding. Be unafraid. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 25, 2003 12:16 PM

1 Apr:
Hello America! Ooglay is loving Americans! Okay, stop bombing now! Or else this: Our 4,000 suicide bombers will each attack you 3 times in the coming week! I swear on my mothers purity this is true!
Now this is not for what I am here talking to you. I am not talking about my younger brother Quesay who is sick of all this fighting! Neither am I not talking about my half brother Quasi!
Today I am here to be telling about the funny Peter Arnett. He is making me laugh! My Father, for whom I would lead the Fedayeen Saddam into the gates of Hell, says he hates this ignorant infidel but that he is a "useful idiot". Ooglay says, "what?" and gets an open handed slapping.
So that is part of why I don't like him either. Also here is what is like your infidel Michael Jackson who is popular with you, so when you like him you will be liking Arnett too, and do what he says. When Arnett comes to the palace he is always wanting to sleep with my Glorious Father. Just to sleep, to listen to bed time story, and have milk and cookies, okay? Nothing funny.
So my father does not like this pudgy fat man with bad hair and no mustache like magnum PI. But he is "useful idiot" whatever this is meaning, so here is funny part. Every month when Arnett comes to visit he is in bed with one of my father's double, and doesn't know this!! Hahahaha on him! Stupid!
Or maybe he is using double too?
Now listen to him and stop your war!!!!! (And remember, Ooglay is loving America, okay?)
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on April 1, 2003 06:03 AM

3 Apr:
! Hahahah here is Ooglay Hussein and I am funny too and so is my brothers may their camels produce wealth beyond their dreams! Here is funny thing even though it is middle of war!
Okay, on Tuesday bad news we say to the Uday doubles: "We had to amputate Uday's arm and leg because of injury in shockanaw. So now we have to making you look like him some more! Who is first?" So they all say they are doing something else but hey! We give them a fisted pounding and cut off arm and leg on some without even using painkiller! Then after maybe three of them cut up and the others are beaten and tied up then we have Uday come out and hey! He has both arms and legs! Because "April Fool" it is just a big joke, okay! So then we all are laughing except ones who have to hop around and eat with filthy left hand now! Hahahah!
I am laughing at you stupid Americans now that Peter Arnett is telling truth in Englands paper. He is saying some of your paratroopers have still not landed because you were not knowing how tough the Iraqi air is! They just float around up there waiting! You are stupid. Go make your protesting parades now! See you in Peoria!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on April 3, 2003 05:08 AM

8 April:
Hey you American swine! Ooglay will be telling you a rumor he started. It is fonny one! Ready for listening? Ooglay went to french sore bone University with Shahad, fourth son of my honored Uncle Ali. (You call him "Chemical" but we call him "happy ali" because he is always whistling happy songs. Also we call him "wheezy" but that is another story.) Anyway we both like same French girl, yes? And French girls are easy because only competition is French males, and they are not how you say interested much in girls. Who can blame them? Only people who are thinking French girls are pretty have not ever been to France. Only after much drinking are they better looking then a camel. But this French girl was different. Still not so pretty but very enthusiastic girl. After only one maybe two wine drinks she is very nice to be looking upon. And Shahad is saying "she would look good vieled!" And he treats her like dirt but who would be knowing she likes him more then Ooglay? So even though Ooglay is son of Glorious Leader and Shahad is just General's fourth son she chooses him and is his fifth wife. And Ooglay's beauteous mother makes Ooglay take present to wedding! So who cares it was years ago. A very nice western gold fondue set. Jewel encrusted, so one may break off and choke him. Always he is better at sports then Ooglay, too. Pig. Also he graduated Sore Bone. Big deal. Ooglay would if he wanted to also. I had to leave France very fast for none of your business, that's why!
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at April 8, 2003 11:37 AM

Okay I was forgetting rumor. But that is because Shahad always is making me angry. Many years ago my Glorious Father, for whom Allah has a special place, says "kill him and be done with it" and gives me the special knife he used on the cats in his Tikrit days. But no. I can not.
But now last night I am thinking "Hey? I wonder how Shahad is doing these days?" And I call the Centcom number on the fax they sent me before the warring started and say "Hey! It is Ooglay! Here is where my father is, pigdogs!" And I give them GPS coordinates for Shahad's Restaraunt he is owning now!
But what is scary a minute is later my esteemed brother says "Oh wondrous Father, let us go in the Nissan to eat at Shahad's. We can stiff him for the check!" And I have to talk him out of going and Father too. I had to secret cut the tires on the Sentra with fathers cat knife. What a fisted pounding I would get for that one if they knew!
So anyway pretty soon boom boom boom boom! Shahads restaraunt is gone. And if Shahad was there he is now maybe just a cloud of pink mist. Ha! Stupid Americans bombed only the McDonalds they would have in that part of Baghdad! "Yes, fat Saddam can't resist Happy Meal!" I told them. "He loves the Evil Grimace". Ooglay knows how to lay it on thick when he needs to, you know?
And then I say to father "Allah be praised, how fortunate for us the flatness of the tires?" Still he kicked me one time and Uday punched my shoulder once then twice more for flinching.
And Centcom says it was nice restaraunt. Ha!
How you liking that one Shahad, Mr Soccer Superstar? Say hello to Giselle for Ooglay okay?

Now maybe today I will be finishing first day of war in my diary. I don't know. So much happens in war! Give me time.
Posted by Ooglay Hussein at April 8, 2003 12:00 PM


Lots of American infidel dogs are beginning to be shocked and awed by Ooglays brain. Here's some things they saying about me on ScrapllyFace!:

Ooglay, you'll be lucky if no one pulls your birnoose down over your head and smacks you on the bottom with a whiffle bat. If you are trying for the ridiculous, you have hit the sublime. You sound like something out of a bad Boris Karloff movie.
Posted by: Joseph on March 20, 2003 09:42 AM

Ooglay-you crack me up.
Posted by: Darth Chef on March 20, 2003 11:40 AM

The troops are singing your praises ooogloid glob, (Which is probably your real name)
I don't know but i've been told, Saddam's son will not grow old!
Am I right or wrong? YOUR RIGHT! Are we going strong.. D*** Right.
1, 2, 3, 4, Get em all! Yaahh !!
Posted by: Phrog Poet on March 20, 2003 07:05 PM

Your posts make my day. Keep up the good work! I hope you survive the war crimes tribunal and maybe even get a spot in the new regime. And I hope you don't find out firsthand what happens if you try to use chemical weapons in a sandstorm. (Think p***ing in the wind...)
Posted by: Rabid Rabbit on March 25, 2003 08:58 PM

Gotta disagree with you about who's funnier, Tom. This Ooglay Hussein guy is damn funny! I love this guy!
Posted by: Robert on March 25, 2003 04:24 PM

Dearest Bambi:
Is your life partner Oogle Hassen? You both are very funny. Keep up the good work.
-----[Note from Ooglay: I don't know Bambi. And yes, Go Marines, maybe straight to Iran please?]

I really can't take anymore adventures of Ooglay Hussein. My eyes start to water and I can't seem to control my emotions...or my physical reactions...truly his prose and that of Bambi's really gets to me...but it is the loud guffaws that get to my family. Keep it up guys.
Posted by Cricket at April 6, 2003 05:25 PM
-----[Note from Ooglay: Again I am not knowing Bambi. One time I have dinner in American Hollywood Star home and she says "This is Bambi" about some meat.]

Ooglay, How does it feel to be orphan? Maybe Arafat can adopt you? HA HA, Stupid Pig!
Posted by Allah Mode at April 8, 2003 06:40 PM
----[Note from Ooglay: Ooglay has a mother and a father and 20 men who look just like his father, infidel swine!]

I nominate Ooglay for press secretary to the next president of Iraq.
Posted by Robert at April 9, 2003 02:40 PM

You can rearrange the letters in Google and make ooggle, which sounds almost like Ooglay. Hmmmmmm
Posted by Pooke at April 7, 2003 12:20 PM

GOoglay Hussein,
"GOoglay" - could I be onto something here? If only Hans Blix had used GOoglay as his search engine. He might have found the WMD's.
Posted by Harden Stuhl at April 9, 2003 12:51 AM


This section is the things I say on ScrappleFace that bring me happiness. On ScrappleFace I Ooglay spread truth about the war and my family almost every day. So it is written!

My glorious father, for whom I would ride a MOAB from the plane to the ground, respects the French, but he has noticed so far we are seeing no French Humanshields.
Posted by: Ooglay on March 20, 2003 05:28 AM

My glorious father, for whom I would pluck out my eye and hurl it into the burning sands, and my esteemed older brothers, Uday and Qusay long may they live, would cut off another of my toes if they knew I was using the last of the battery for our computer laptop here but i am only to be saying reason is right and we have no Al Queeda in Iraq and North Korea is more dictator then here. We know it is georgebush not the americans people.
Posted by: ooglay on March 20, 2003 08:46 AM

Listen here i am telling you now my glorious father for whom I would walk through salt and knives is alive and well and soon will be leading all his people who are willing to die for him into the battle with the great satan. Gerorgebush is the liar and no one is being dead except I shot down the f16.
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 20, 2003 09:10 AM

"Ooglay, you'll be lucky if no one pulls your birnoose down over your head and smacks you on the bottom with a whiffle bat. If you are trying for the ridiculous, you have hit the sublime. You sound like something out of a bad Boris Karloff movie."
Posted by: Joseph on March 20, 2003 09:42 AM

Joseph the things you are saying are indeed done to my person by my esteemed older brothers. (May they live to father 5,000 children)
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 20, 2003 03:59 PM

"Ooglay-you crack me up.
Phrog - keep up the good work"
Posted by: Darth Chef on March 20, 2003 11:40 AM

I am Ooglay!
Darth Chef (If that is you real name!)
I am sure if you will be so kind as to come now to my beloved baghdad that you infidels are even now transforming into a great and stinking hole that i by the grace of the prophet would crack you up with something then, i swear by my mothers beauty!
Phrog Poet (also I think is a made up name)
You will sing as a slave in my glorious fathers rebuilt palace songs of his everlasting fortune and thankful you will be. Maybe I will write songs for you to sing.
The truth of what the devils do in Baghdad is written now by me Ooglay on my home page come visit it my many american friends who are writing truth here for all to see just to be clicking your mouse on my wondrous name below and you will be there.
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 20, 2003 03:44 PM

The troops are singing your praises ooogloid glob, (Which is probably your real name)
I don't know but i've been told,
Saddam's son will not grow old!
Am I right or wrong?
Are we going strong..
D*** Right.
1, 2, 3, 4, Get em all! Yaahh !!
Posted by: Phrog Poet on March 20, 2003 07:05 PM

Here now Phrog sing this:
Ooglay Ooglay
son of Saddam
Brothers kick him
on the bottom
If George Bush takes those three out
Ooglay is the King, no doubt!!!!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 20, 2003 08:59 PM

Ok.. you are prophetic i'll sing it
(slow with feeling)
oogloid glob oogloid glob
ba*t*rd of saddams fat ugly slob
Shoulda kept better track of dads body doubles
now that Iraq has no end of troubles.
Not sure who dad is; who [forced] his mother
He thought he was royalty, but probably other
but oogloid now in his kingdom of one.
is King of the sewer sucking scum
You should probably have Barbara Striesand sing it though... she has a better voice than a cracky croaking Phrog.

ha ha.. sorry.. i know its rude to laugh
at your own jokes.. forgive.
Posted by: Phrog Poet on March 21, 2003 05:49 AM

Arrrgh I am now angrily rending my clothing at your making some song that is offensive to my ears though i can only see it! I imagine Michael Jackson american deadent pop star singing it while he dangles out the window a baby like what my brother uday did to me except michale did not let go!
Now hear and learn about my anger, for now i wrote song detailing the something that Uday and Qusay and myself will to be doing to you and your other golfing lawers and you learn the secret of Udays cane and then i sing it and think no that is Farsi! And I will make a new song for you that is understandible in your english monkey language!
Posted by: Ooglay on March 21, 2003 06:34 AM

Ooglay conquers in the sand
holding his sword high in hand
all of your marines will flee
From the very sight of me!!!

There, pig dog! Now begone!
Posted by: Ooglay Hussein on March 21, 2003 06:41 AM

oogley, look out your window, I have sent my personal representatives to visit you, I am to bust at the moment. they should be there anyday now. LOL.
Posted by: Darth Chef on March 21, 2003 10:12 AM

Well, Ooglay looks but sees nothing even now....